Mother Knows Best
by Brandon Ruiz • Mar 16th, 2008 at 12:57 pm •
So here’s something I found interesting. Parents spying on their teenagers and reading their emails. Fantastic. If my parents had done that when I was 16 I would have gotten in so much trouble. They would have known all of my um activities… But yeah. Interesting stuff…
Comment by Kurt Subvert on 16 March 2008 at 2:14 pm:
I do the opposite of this. My parent’s router blocks sites containing URLs and keywords related to me. For example, they would get a “server not found” error if they tried to view my Flickr page. Searches of my name or email address also get dropped by the router.
Yes, I’m running counter-intelligence on my snoopy mother.
Comment by Segen on 16 March 2008 at 2:58 pm:
When should parents let their kids go?
I had a roommate in college whose parents hired a private investigator to tell them what their daughter was up to. We were 20 at the time. Isn’t a 20 year old old enough to suffer the consequences of his or her own decisions? Isn’t this part of the learning process?
I think it is common for kids–teenagers–and adults to be inquisitive about things: this is how we learn. Isn’t a 16 year old looking online at porn or talking dirty to strangers online learning? Is he or she not presented with an issue and forced to decide what is right for him or her? With continued parental monitoring, kids don’t have the opportunity to make decisions for themselves. They don’t face the challenges in life that develops their character–their morals. If mom and dad are going to tell their kids indefinitely what to do–what happens when the parent’s die?
My parents bought me a pager when I was 13 years old and told me not to come home until they paged me around 8 or 9 pm. I was forced to go discover the world on my own and learn how to make decisions for myself. Sure, I got into some trouble–I tried cigarettes and trespassed property–but I soon realized that cigarettes and breaking the law were not for me. Of course I had been told my whole life that cigarettes are bad, but trying them out for myself and coming to the conclusion that cigarettes were not for me was an important learning activity.
I say parents should stop snooping and instead give children the opportunity to learn from their mistakes. This of course does not mean TALKING about issues and why certain things are good or bad–but let the kid decide for him/herself.
Comment by Segen on 16 March 2008 at 3:02 pm:
The last paragraph to my previous post clarified:
Parents *should* talk with their kids about what is right and wrong. Parents *should not* snoop on them to ensure they have done exactly what the parents told the kids.
Comment by illinikc33 on 16 March 2008 at 4:23 pm:
I can’t stand helicopter parents.
Comment by thetodd on 16 March 2008 at 5:42 pm:
By the time I finished reading this article, I was ready to write something a lot like what Segen wrote, but it seems my work has been done already. I was also fortunate to have supportive parents who also, for the most part, let me explore whatever seemed interesting to me.
I don’t propose leaving 3-year-olds to fend for themselves, but my (very uneducated) guess is that the average child has a suboptimal amount of independence.
Several of my friends and relatives have become parents over the last few years, and it’s been interesting to see the parental instincts subtly affect their personalities and behaviors. These instincts were probably very valuable for living in a jungle, but the modern world is safer, and we could probably do with weaker instincts nowadays.
Perhaps someone needs to write a successful pop-psychology/parenting book about how you sometimes should ignore your gut feeling and let your kids explore their worlds a bit.
Or perhaps my views should be taken with a huge grain of salt, since I have no parenting experience and no desire to acquire any :)
Comment by thetodd on 16 March 2008 at 5:48 pm:
Oh, and this part of the article really confused me:
“Some will say that it’s better just to use parental blocks that deny access to risky sites. I have found that they don’t work. Children know how to get around them.”
Are there seriously a lot of children out there who have the technical ability and desire to circumvent these blocks but do not have the ability and desire to detect and circumvent logging tools?
Comment by Katie on 16 March 2008 at 6:55 pm:
A parent-child relationship is as unique as any other relationship. There is not any one right, or wrong, way to be a parent.
My parents gave me a ton of freedom as a kid. I came and went as I pleased, they rarely asked questions, and I liked it that way. But, I was a good kid and they knew they could trust me. Not every kid is as capable of independence.
I’m not advocating for online spyware, and I don’t think that a 16-year-old watching porn on the internet justifies invading their privacy. As reasonable people, I think we all recognize that things like that are only natural. There will always be crazy parents out there that will cross the line, and today they have more tools to facilitate their craziness than ever. Those parents are hopeless regardless.
But for those parents who are genuinely concerned for the well-being of their child, and feel that checking their internet activity is the best or only way to ensure their safety, I don’t think any of us are in a position to judge.
Comment by Segen on 16 March 2008 at 7:45 pm:
An interesting note regarding porn and violence:
When I was living in Germany, I found that porn was generally ubiquitous. When people on the trains would read newspapers, you could always see nude photos of people on the backsides of the papers. Nude photos were advertised all over the place–on sides of buses, on billboards, etc.
On the flip side, violence or violence promoting ads were extremely hard to come by. (Surprising, yes…that Germany instigated WW2 and the Nazis killed millions of people—the culture has since done a complete 180 and now condemns violence).
I was talking to my friend about this perplexing notion and she said that:
1. Germans do not mind nudity or sex because it is natural and human. Why censor that? Germans do, however, regard violence as unnatural and censor that to some degree.
2. Americans generally do censor nudity. We, however, do not censor violence to the same degree. (Die Hard movies with Bruce Willis come to mind when I think of this.)
Interesting illustration:
The movie “Chronicles of Narnia” was age 13 and up in Germany…youngsters, even with parents attending, were not allowed in the movie because it was too violent. In the US, the movie was rated PG and all youngster were allowed to view it.
I can’t think of a film with nudity to illustrate the other point. Sorry about that.
But what I am getting at here with this argument in regards to the “Mother Knows Best” post: *WHAT* are we trying to censor our kids from?
Comment by Brian on 17 March 2008 at 7:18 am:
Segen,
Your last comment I think is dead on. Personally, I imagine myself as a parent caring not so much about either nudity or violence as much as whether or not the thing my kids are watching/listening to is stupid and crappy. Obviously there are outer limits to that (I’m not gonna sit my 3 year old down to watch Eyes Wide Shut or anything), but it’s generally the case.
I also like your mom’s position on sending you out. I think this is the much better approach than what a lot of “cool” parents do, which is to say, “If you’re gonna drink, I want you doing it under my roof,” and then they become the house where kids have parties with alcohol (e.g., the mom played by Amy Poehler in Mean Girls). For all the rational explanations for why that style of parenting is the most responsible and safe, I’ve never in my life encountered a parent who is like that who isn’t a fairly crappy parent.
Comment by tet on 17 March 2008 at 9:44 am:
Hmmm. Brian, isn’t that “under my roof” argument the same one that the pro-Unofficial people use to argue in favor for University tolerance of the “holiday?
Tom
Comment by Anonymous on 17 March 2008 at 11:11 am:
Unofficial is ridiculously stupid and I hope it gets shut down.