I’m Big in Japan

Konichiwa Bitches!

That means, “Good Afternoon Bitches!” in Japanese, which I’m saying since it’s Saturday afternoon here in Kobe, Japan…yes I am in the future, and you better not try to wrap your head around that, you might get a headache. I thought I’d send out a bit of a FYI on how your favorite QA guy is doing over in the land of the rising sun. For starters, as my subject line indicates, I’m a giant human being over here. I mean, I know I’m a big guy to begin with, but I’m at least a few feet taller than most people when I’m walking around. Alright, maybe that is a bit of an exaggeration, but I am taller than most of the people here though, and a lot paler too…little children all stop, stare, and giggle when I walk past; strangely enough, I’m sure some of you will note that this happens in the states as well.

I had some Kobe beef last night, and it is everything people say it is, and about 100 times more. It is so tender that they don’t even give you a steak knife; you can slice through it like butter with, coincidently, a butter knife. It is also not very cheap, for 400 grams (about half a pound), it runs nearly $100. As for the other meals, they rock as well. I have just been walking into whatever restaurants look interesting, and getting something off their menu. The guy I’m with told me he hasn’t been to the same place twice, so we’ve been keeping up that tradition since I’ve been here. If you were unaware, I can’t speak or read Japanese, which makes it difficult to pick things off a menu if there is no picture. Therefore, I have been applying the random pointing strategy at most restaurants. So far, it has not led me too far astray; although some of the dishes looked downright awful before I partook in the goods.

This morning I was at Mitsubishi’s Kobe shipyards to attend a ship launching ceremony. It was one of those gigantic cargo ships that holds over 7,000 containers when fully loaded. They did the typical boating stuff, music, speeches, and of course the giant bottle of wine smashing against the hull. When it started moving into the sea, it had to be going at least 10mph or so, and it was one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen.

I don’t know what you guys would plan on doing if you went to Japan, but the first thing I knew I had to do was visit: China Town! Yes, there is a pretty large China Town section here in Kobe, and I’ve been there a few times already. Japanese know how to read Chinese since they borrowed their characters for their own language, and therefore they’re big fans of sweet and sour pork apparently. Once again, I have no idea what anything says, but most of the food looks slightly more familiar since Americans are big fans of the unhealthiest versions of Chinese food which are served at little stands in front of most restaurants.

The Japanese per capita must have the most dispensable income on Earth. There are malls EVERYWHERE; including 3 very large indoor malls within a block of my hotel. Because of this large amount of money, they buy a lot of random crap; which is clearly indicated by stores that just sell random knick-knacks dispersed throughout outdoor malls. There are blocks and blocks of outdoor malls with various stores specializing in everything from women’s lingerie (always white women in the ads), to jewelry, to bags, to baseball caps (which no one wears in public…), to excellent little specialty food shops. Their style of advertising is definitely in-your-face. There are crazy colors and lots of sounds trying to get your attention. I went to the equivalent of a Office Max and Best Buy combined; I made it to the 12^th floor before I got bored and started going back down. I think they are so large because it appears they don’t invest in “back rooms”; it appears that all the merchandise is simply out there on the shelves. But don’t plan on coming here to buy things! Everything is expensive compared to the US. The brand-new 160GB iPod that came out this week (which I’ve been wanting) retails at $350 in the US…and 50,000 Yen (~$500) in Japan!

The people here are great; painstakingly polite, and most have a great sense of humor as well. They’re not big into “personal space” so on the subways and trains, they have no problem cramming into tight corners and pushing you out of the way. But they’re not being rude; it’s just how it goes. They are also definitely the cleanest people on the face of the earth. I have seen exactly three pieces of litter in all of Kobe this entire week, and two of them where being picked up and thrown in the trash whilst watching. Strangely, there are barely any garbage cans anywhere; but when you do find one there are usually 4 cans for all sorts of recycling and such. The bathrooms are very clean as well; although, instead of toilets, they have these porcelain holes in the ground…needless to say I haven’t given that a whirl yet. As for when they do have toilets, they are usually more complex than our nuclear power plants. They have both “bidet” and “spray” options; I’m told the only difference is about 10psi…and about 3 inches. Yet, they don’t have any sort of drying apparatus, whether it is towels or a mechanical dryer, in the bathroom. I’ve learned that they almost all carry around little towels that look like dish-rags to dry their hands after washing them. They also use the towels to wipe their brows in this oppressively hot and humid weather. Ironically, they find handkerchiefs some of the most disgusting things on the planet, and do not approve of people blowing their noses in public…go figure.

Have you ever seen the cover of the Beastie Boys’ Hello Nasty album? Well, that is what my hotel room is like. There is room to get around, but the closet is a glorified broom closet, and the bathroom has a 4′ tub (American tubs are 5′ or larger), a tiny sink, and a toilet appears to be smaller than the smallest toilets I’ve ever seen. As a testament to their tendency to be technologically adept, my desk end that faces the bed has the thermostat, alarm-clock, and light controls all built in. They also have a key shelf at the door that “knows” your key is there because of magnetics, and will turn nearly everything off (including the A/C) while you are gone. When you’ve been walking around in the heat all day, the last thing you want to do is come home to a stuffy hotel room; using my engineering prowess, I quickly came to the determination that American coinage works just as well as a room key, and I’ve been basking in cool climes ever since.

As for my lack of Japanese skillz, I have been picking up words or phrases intermittently. Here are the only words you apparently need to know in order to get around here:

• Ohayou – Good morning (It’s not just a state anymore!)
• Konichiwa – Good afternoon
• Konbanwa – Good evening
• Gozaimasu – added to seemingly any Japanese word, it turns it into a super-word that has the super-powers of being very polite and courteous when compared to the original. (I’m pretty sure you could kill someone and get away with it by saying gozaimasu as you’re doing it).
• Sayonara – Goodbye
• Arigato – Thank you
• Domo – Thank you
• Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto – what I think of every time I say thank you while in Japan
• Kanpai! – Cheers!

Speaking of Cheers, the Japanese are not exactly the world’s best drinkers. I went out with about 12 people the other night, and the head of the group was challenging me with some of his heaviest fares. Needless to say, I downed their most expensive and potent Sake like it was a Coors Light, and hit it off well with the locals. This leads me into one of the more interesting aspects of Japanese culture; sitting down at a table. If you ever come here for business, make sure you are NOT the first one to sit down, as there is a method to their madness. I won’t go through all the details right now, but probably in a future post I’ll enumerate on the intricacies of it.

I’ll be fielding questions about the Japanese life for my next installment, so be sure to drop a line with whatever curiosities are swooning about in those heads of yours (I’ll talk about the women and other good stuff next time). I’m going to stop here because I feel like I just had diarrhea of the mind.

Sayonara Gozaimasu,

JayBandit